THE GHERKIN

The opinions expressed in the articles contained in The Gherkin neither represent the opinions of the publication, nor of the publishers, nor of the authors themselves.

Finally : A Vehicle for Luxury Homeowners 

With falling sales in the sports-utilty-vehicle (SUV) market, automobile manufacturers are introducing new and alluring ways of capturing the interests of would-be buyers in the upper end of the market. Boredom will surely be a thing of the past with new SUVs containing a heated open-air swimming pool, cinema and helipad to beat those “I wanna go home now” blues. John Johnson of Johnson & McPartlin West Coast Car Dealership has been stocking a few recent models and has said : “I know what people are saying, that it’s just part of the luxury car craze that we are tapping into, but what people need to realise is that, while these features are extravagant today, we are going to likely see these become standard in a year or two. On all cars”.

Aging Rock Band to Tour Nursing Homes

As part of their follow-up to their last-ever farewell tour, West Country Rockers The Whistleblowers are on tour again. This time around, they are finishing up their tour in grand style at a few nursing homes. Joey “The Joker” Jayward said in a recent interview :”It’s great to be back on tour and it was a fitting end to what will very likely be our final farewell tour”. The band ended their current tour with a series of three-night concerts at the Wilkingbourne Care Home in which guitarist Eddie “Shreddie” Burningham actually resides. “It was easy for Eddie, he just got off stage these past few nights, and toddled off down the hall to his bed”.

New Rules at Airports for Culturally-Contrasting Migrants

There has been major push-back from the public against what they see as unfair treatment of migrants at borders and airports by security and border personnel. “We have made recent changes in the way we handle security issues with air passengers from, for example North Africa”, says head of security of a major airport. “We had a case this year of a family of five guys being searched and we found semtex in their carry-on luggage”. “It was then made clear to us that we may have been targeting them and they felt they were being discriminated against. Because of that consideration, and the reason that they said they needed the material for religious reasons, we returned it to them, apologised and welcomed them on board the flight”.

There was another incident at border control whereby a migrant claiming asylum due to violence in his home country. “I asked him to prove he came from a violent country” said one border official. “He then lunged at me a placed a knife at my throat, so at that point I was convinced and let him in”.

Ainsley-Wolfson Artisan Chocolatier Unveils New Flavours

The ever-evolving trends and tastes in the demand for chocolate have taken another turn towards the combination of some new flavours including 99 % cocoa dark chococate and old rope, mangled seaweed and sweat-flavoured chocolate, as well as arsenic-flavoured 100 % dark black-hole chocolate.

“Once I got the taste of these new flavours, I started to get used to them. You can get used to anything. The black-hole chocolate is completely black !” said Imelda Von Trottenberg, an influencer. “The new flavours are different and strange, but the good thing is, they make you end up wanting to eating less and less of it”.

Book Review 

“Women Who Kill” is a new book by Eibhlinn Ni Chonnaill-Pritchard and is going to be released as part of book launch and tour. “I wanted to really wanted to explore and demonstrate how women can be just as prolific in serial killing as men can be”, Ni Chonaill-Pritchard said in an interview at the recent book launch. “I know historically, we have had murderers like Myra Hindley, but she was really in the shadow of her partner, Ian Brady and while everybody remembers Rosemary West, again, she was the wife of Fred West and even the whole concept of wife is problematic. So I wanted to really construct new serial killer characters for this anthology of true-crime-like fiction in which all the protagonists were truly their own women, committing their own brutal crimes at the same scale and savagery as any of those famous men”. When asked if the women killers killed men, Ms. Chonaill-Pritchard said : “No, they kill women, just like the men do.”

Climate on Verge of Imminent Collapse

A recent report from the panel of climate change experts have issued a warning that “the climate is on the verge of imminent collapse”. “The climate can take 1 degree of warming, maybe 2 degrees, but anything higher than that and we are looking at a total climate collapse. This time we really mean it. We just had the warmest Summer on record and next Summer is going to be hotter and even if it’s not, it’s still due to climate change. And it’s still due to same subset of CO2 molecules in the atmosphere – the ones from industries we want to control and tax.” the report said.