THE GHERKIN

The opinions expressed in the articles contained in The Gherkin neither represent the opinions of the publication, nor of the publishers, nor of the authors themselves.

Donald Trump Begins Fourth Reich 

U.S. President-Elect Donald J. Trump gathered supporters and members of the press for a series of announcements recently before his inauguration, two months after the conclusion of a successful campaign for the presidency. “We are going to have the greatest fascist dictatorship America has ever seen. It’s going to be unbelievable” he told the crowd who repeatedly chanted “Heil Trump !”. In addition, Mr. Trump announced plans for the immediate invasion of Mexico, the establishment of concentration camps across the U.S. – for dissenters, political opponents, transgender activists, women, people who are non-white. “To all those Hispanics and Blacks who voted for me, well guess what ? You made a big mistake – a very big mistake –  you’re going to one of my camps, because you are a bunch of losers !” 

Man Caught Drink-driving Blamed Gin-Flavoured Ice-Cream

A man was pulled over by the police and failed a breathalyser test, even though, according to him, he “hadn’t touched a drop”. It later transpired that he had partaken of four scoops of gin-flavoured ice-cream. When the shop from where he bought it was made aware of the breathalyser-triggering strength of the alcoholically-enhanced ice-cream, the shop responded that “he [is] a notorious drunk and routinely comes in here absolutely plastered – he even had a a glazed expression when he came in on the day he got busted”. The accused then informed the police that the “glazed expression” to which they were referring, was a glass eye.

Lawyer Who Shot Man Dead Gets Acquitted 

Whereas, a lawyer, upon being taunted by a neighbour in receipt of planning permission to build a structure overshadowing the lawyers house, on his forfeiture of land, saw fit to fire upon the same neighbour by means of propulsive expellent from mechanical firearms. The munitions, which penetrated the body of the intruder and brought about grievous injuries consisting of, but not limited to, a perforated lung, a punctured liver and lead to the ceasing and desisting of life of the neighbour’s corpus vivens. 

The judge was about to find the landowner guilty of murder in the first degree, when the accused, representing himself, made recourse to the the Assisted Dying Act whereupon, a personage may legally have their lifespan cut-short and their time-of-death rapidly and suddenly brought forward if it be for the general good, in the best interests of the soon-to-be-deceased, taking into consideration their future quality of life. 

“I was enraged at the arrogance of my neighbour, his relentless taunting”, the accused said, “and knowing I was going to make his life a living hell from there on out, I saw fit that it would be better for him to die with dignity on the spot”. 

Husband Declares Household Object Missing After Brief, Cursory Search

A rarely-used household item was declared missing earlier today by a man who immediately blamed his wife for its vanishing. After having informed her about the mislaid item, and after having told her “I can remember where I put it, but I can’t remember where you put it”, she immediately found it in exactly the place he had been looking, at the location he himself had left it.

Book Review 

“A Strong Woman” is the debut novel by Eithne Ni Dhubhnaill-Pendleton about a strong woman who overcomes the stifling expectations of her narrow-minded and traditional family, who want her to get married, have children and live on the family farm. Leaving for Los Angeles, she identifies as a black woman during the Rodney King riots to combat racism by becoming a community activist and pushes for the defunding of the police and encourages the local gang youths to smash the white patriarchy. She eventually settles down to become a single mother to de-stigmatise single-motherhood. 

Climate 2025 to Take Place In Space

The latest delegation of climate conference attendees have gathered ahead of Climate 2025 at the International Space Station. When asked about the unusual location for the conference, a spokesperson, who normally travels by bicycle, responded saying “since we are nearing the point of no-return in the climate crisis, we thought the location would make a statement : that we take one last look at our dying planet from above”. Another delegate indicated that “if we fail to meet our fossil fuel elimination targets, we will be looking to live in space, since the Earth will be uninhabitable, basically”.